Let's Make a Scandal!

[The Giant-Size Man Thing]

Scandal Generator

Zorak Brak64 ARRESTED IN CRACK COCAINE BUST

BY LINDSAY ROBERTSON
Sat, Nov 6, 2004 at 06:28:42 EST

Neutral Town, MSPB (INDY) - Famed Moderator Zorak Brak64 was one of those arrested in a massive crack cocaine bust in Neutral Town last night, say police.

According to Police Department spokesperson Gojira, police entered the home of known crack dealer Ai at approximately 3:07 a.m. Sunday morning, after receiving a noise complaint from a neighboring discotheque. "Upon entering the apartment, we found several people huddled around a crack pipe, At this time we did not see the suspect in question. We then broke down a locked bathroom door, and found Zorak Brak64, dressed only in a trucker hat and Ugg boots, frantically attempting to flush approximately 50 kilos of crack cocaine."

"When Brak64 was confronted, he screamed "This is just my baking soda! I'm bakin' for my momma!" Police promptly escorted Mr. Brak64 to the Neutral Town County Jail, where he is being held on $4,000 bond.

Brak64 has struggled in the past with drug, anger, chocolate, shopping, and sex addiction issues. The now-noseless Brak64 has also received treatment for an apparent cosmetic surgery addiction. This is his first arrest for crack cocaine possession

Of Course, I have to do myself now.

Carl Gojira INDICTED FOR TAX EVASION, MISAPPROPRIATION OF FUNDS

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Sat, Nov 6, 2004 at 06:31:05 EST

Neutral Town, MSPB (INDY) -- A local Neutral Town man was placed under arrest yesterday when it was discovered he had been running an illegal offshore operation for the past decade.

"You pigs don't even know the half of it!" sputtered Gojira as he was dragged away in handcuffs. Gojira is being investigated for his role in a vending machine scheme that earned him millions of dollars in pennies, nickels and dimes that he was then funneling through a false corporation located on a small island off the coast of New Jersey.

"The suspect hadn't thought to convert the embezzled change into cash, and he was witnessed on several occasions dragging large, clanking bags down to the pier," Lieutenant Zorak announced in a press conference. "We've got hours of surveillance tape that show him heaving large sacks into a small boat, then rowing frantically away in the direction of New Jersey."

Gojira is expected to be arraigned earlier today in downtown Neutral Town. "Why did it have to be pennies?" he was heard mournfully sighing as Lt. Zorak locked the paddy wagon doors on him.

[NeoEllis]

BY LINDSAY ROBERTSON
Mon, Nov 8, 2004 at 05:53:48 EST

Moderator Hed Quarters, MSPBZ - Cotton plantation owner Jubei Wag was arrested in the wee hours of Saturday morning, after police raided a suspected brothel being run out of a MSPBZ motel.

A press conference was held outside the MSPBZ County Jail yesterday, where Police Department Spokesperson NeoEllis had this to say:

"Acting on a tip from an informant, the MSPBZ Police Department executed a raid on room 203 of the Fairview Motel. As expected, we found several suspected prostitutes along with a bottle of prescription medication commonly taken for erectile dysfunction. Jubei Wag was found in bed with two of the alleged prostitutes, wearing nothing but argyle socks. After a confrontation in which he resisted arrest, screaming "Do you know who I am? I'm the best Cotton plantation owner in the world!" officers exchanged his pink feathered handcuffs for new ones and escorted him to the MSPBZ County Jail.

Wag was booked for soliciting a prostitute and resisting arrest. His bond was set at $300, but he has yet to post bail. He is currently awaiting trial and has been placed in solitary confinement due to extreme personality conflicts with both prisoners and guards.

For shame Wag, for shame.

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Mon, Nov 8, 2004 at 05:58:41 EST

MSPB, MSPBZ -- Local Head Admin Cygnus X-1 is holed up in her MSPB home tonight amidst swirling allegations that she engaged in an inappropriate relationship with her underage intern.

"I seen that X-1 crossing the state border with a large lump next to her in the car, covered in a blanket. At first I thought it was a load of laundry, but then I saw a load of blonde hair and known it was that underage intern done works for her," said local snoop Mega Raptor.

X-1 was confronted as she entered his MSPB Works office building today, but refused to answer reporters' questions and became openly agitated when confronted on his whereabouts on the night of Nov 6.

"Whatever a woman does in the privacy of her car as she races 'cross state lines ain't but nobody's business," X-1 bellowed. When informed that crossing state lines with an underage intern is a felony she sniffed and replied: "I didn't even know that underage intern was underage, and none of us can prove it."

Police are investigating the claims of both Mega Raptor and an unnamed farmer who swears he saw a fuschia-poncho clad X-1 smuggling a donkey into a U-Haul last week.

[The Fighting Libra]

Browns Mills, NJ (INDY) -- Supporters and critics of The Fighting Libra were shocked to learn yesterday that the 19 year-old Browns Mills local had completely and utterly lied about past experience in the military.

Libra has repeatedly made statements in speeches and interviews claiming he saved the lives of all the members of his transport stationed in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Despite shrapnel damage to his left leg, hearing loss suffered when a grenade detonated in his helmet and a severe shark bite to the upper torso, Libra claimed he managed to save all 28 men in his platoon, plus the life of a Japanese fisherman who had accidentally come across the scene. Libra has often walked with a limp, citing the incident as the reason.

Yesterday journalist Libra reported he had researched Libra's alleged past, and was shocked to find that not only had Libra lied about his involvement in the Navy in WW II, but that he was in fact born in 1985 and did not even exist at the time of these events. A criminal investigation is pending.

[Steel]

Richard Pooley LIED ABOUT MILITARY RECORD, SOURCES REVEAL

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Thu, Nov 11, 2004 at 12:17:05 EST

Manchester, Lancashire (INDY) -- Supporters and critics of Richard Pooley were shocked to learn yesterday that the 15 year-old Manchester local had completely and utterly lied about past experience in the military.

Pooley has repeatedly made statements in speeches and interviews claiming he saved the lives of all the members of his transport stationed in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Despite shrapnel damage to his left leg, hearing loss suffered when a grenade detonated in his helmet and a severe shark bite to the upper torso, Pooley claimed he managed to save all 28 men in his platoon, plus the life of a Japanese fisherman who had accidentally come across the scene. Pooley has often walked with a limp, citing the incident as the reason.

Yesterday journalist Richard Pooley reported he had researched Pooley's alleged past, and was shocked to find that not only had Pooley lied about his involvement in the Navy in WW II, but that he was in fact born in 1989 and did not even exist at the time of these events. A criminal investigation is pending.

[Draco Starcloud]

Mecha Designer Draco Starcloud HAD AFFAIR WITH UNDERAGE INTERN, SOURCES SAY

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Thu, Nov 11, 2004 at 12:26:49 EST

Orange County, California (INDY) -- Local Mecha Designer Draco Starcloud is holed up in his Orange County home tonight amidst swirling allegations that he engaged in an inappropriate relationship with his underage intern.

"I seen that Starcloud crossing the state border with a large lump next to him in the car, covered in a blanket. At first I thought it was a load of laundry, but then I saw a load of blonde hair and known it was that underage intern done works for him," said local snoop Draco's Arch Nemesis.

Starcloud was confronted as he entered his Orange County Works office building today, but refused to answer reporters' questions and became openly agitated when confronted on his whereabouts on the night of Nov 9.

"Whatever a man does in the privacy of his car as he races 'cross state lines ain't but nobody's business," Starcloud bellowed. When informed that crossing state lines with an underage intern is a felony he sniffed and replied: "I didn't even know that underage intern was underage, and none of us can prove it."

Police are investigating the claims of both Draco's Arch Nemesis and an unnamed farmer who swears he saw a fuschia-poncho clad Starcloud smuggling a donkey into a U-Haul last week.

God Zilla LIED ABOUT MILITARY RECORD, SOURCES REVEAL

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Thu, Nov 11, 2004 at 12:31:13 EST

Tokyo, Japan (INDY) -- Supporters and critics of God Zilla were shocked to learn yesterday that the 50 year-old Tokyo local had completely and utterly lied about past experience in the military.

Zilla has repeatedly made statements in speeches and interviews claiming he saved the lives of all the members of his transport stationed in the Pacific Theater during World War II. Despite shrapnel damage to his left leg, hearing loss suffered when a grenade detonated in his helmet and a severe shark bite to the upper torso, Zilla claimed he managed to save all 28 men in his platoon, plus the life of a Japanese fisherman who had accidentally come across the scene. Zilla has often walked with a limp, citing the incident as the reason.

Yesterday journalist King Ghidorah reported he had researched Zilla's alleged past, and was shocked to find that not only had Zilla lied about his involvement in the Navy in WW II, but that he was in fact born in 1954 and did not even exist at the time of these events. A criminal investigation is pending.

[Fireball]

Writer Fireball Eveningstar HAD AFFAIR WITH UNDERAGE INTERN, SOURCES SAY

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Fri, Nov 12, 2004 at 11:58:25 EST

Barsville, Maryland (INDY) -- Local Writer Fireball Eveningstar is holed up in his Barsville home tonight amidst swirling allegations that he engaged in an inappropriate relationship with his underage intern.

"I seen that Eveningstar crossing the state border with a large lump next to him in the car, covered in a blanket. At first I thought it was a load of laundry, but then I saw a load of blonde hair and known it was that underage intern done works for him," said local snoop Sexy Otaku.

Eveningstar was confronted as he entered his Barsville Works office building today, but refused to answer reporters' questions and became openly agitated when confronted on his whereabouts on the night of Nov 10.

"Whatever a man does in the privacy of his car as he races 'cross state lines ain't but nobody's business," Eveningstar bellowed. When informed that crossing state lines with an underage intern is a felony he sniffed and replied: "I didn't even know that underage intern was underage, and none of us can prove it."

Police are investigating the claims of both Sexy Otaku and an unnamed farmer who swears he saw a fuschia-poncho clad Eveningstar smuggling a donkey into a U-Haul last week.

(FB: HAHAHA!)

[Pkmatrix]

Writer Paul Matrix HAD AFFAIR WITH UNDERAGE INTERN, SOURCES SAY

BY JULIE ANN PIETRANGELO
Thu, Nov 18, 2004 at 06:02:57 EST

Barsville, NR (INDY) -- Local Writer Paul Matrix is holed up in his Barsville home tonight amidst swirling allegations that he engaged in an inappropriate relationship with his underage intern.

"I seen that Matrix crossing the state border with a large lump next to him in the car, covered in a blanket. At first I thought it was a load of laundry, but then I saw a load of blonde hair and known it was that underage intern done works for him," said local snoop Paul V. Cwiakala.

Matrix was confronted as he entered his Barsville Works office building today, but refused to answer reporters' questions and became openly agitated when confronted on his whereabouts on the night of Nov 16.

"Whatever a man does in the privacy of his car as he races 'cross state lines ain't but nobody's business," Matrix bellowed. When informed that crossing state lines with an underage intern is a felony he sniffed and replied: "I didn't even know that underage intern was underage, and none of us can prove it."

Police are investigating the claims of both Paul V. Cwiakala and an unnamed farmer who swears he saw a fuschia-poncho clad Matrix smuggling a donkey into a U-Haul last week.

[Raz V5.0]

Raz V4.5 CAUGHT WITH ALLEGED PROSTITUTES IN MOTEL RAID

BY LINDSAY ROBERTSON
Mon, Nov 22, 2004 at 12:51:59 EST

Neutral Town, MSPBZ (INDY) - Cannibal Raz V4.5 was arrested in the wee hours of Saturday morning, after police raided a suspected brothel being run out of a MSPBZ motel.

A press conference was held outside the Neutral Town County Jail yesterday, where Police Department Spokesperson Nathan had this to say:

"Acting on a tip from an informant, the Neutral Town Police Department executed a raid on room 203 of the Fairview Motel. As expected, we found several suspected prostitutes along with a bottle of prescription medication commonly taken for erectile dysfunction. Raz V4.5 was found in bed with two of the alleged prostitutes, wearing nothing but argyle socks. After a confrontation in which he resisted arrest, screaming "Do you know who I am? I'm the best Cannibal in the world!" officers exchanged his pink feathered handcuffs for new ones and escorted him to the Neutral Town County Jail.

V4.5 was booked for soliciting a prostitute and resisting arrest. His bond was set at $300, but he has yet to post bail. He is currently awaiting trial and has been placed in solitary confinement due to extreme personality conflicts with both prisoners and guards.