Mobile Suit Pilot Bar: Salvage

[Mikaru]

Whoa, whoa, easy there guys. Look, the line "Raz is back" comes after the robot is dead, so it somewhat implies that Raz is still around, but it doesn't matter, it's all cleared up now.

[Fireball]

Mikaru said:

Whoa, whoa, easy there guys. Look, the line "Raz is back" comes after the robot is dead, so it somewhat implies that Raz is still around, but it doesn't matter, it's all cleared up now.

Thanks man. You explained it when I couldn't. Thanks again friend.

[Craze]

It's pretty good, right now. Keep up the good work.

[Fireball]

Chapter 3: Descending into and from Heaven

“Hold on what? What the Hell did you just say?”

“Raz is back,” replied Sean gravely as he got to his feet, clutching his wound. He leaned against a brick wall that was surprisingly still intact, catching his breath.

“Please explain this to me man,” Mega Raptor demanded, agitated by the bad news that could not come at a worse time. He crossed his arms and waited for the explanation.

“Okay, ten months ago, when we stopped Raz, I removed his mobile trooper armor and imprisoned him in a vortex that pretty much stopped time. This left him with the wound you gave him. Now, this vortex was created by my powers and therefore relied on my concentration at all times to hold it together. When the robot stabbed me he hit me close to the heart and I was emersed in great amounts of pain. Ergo, I lost concentration and the vortex broke down. Raz is probably just leaving the Holodeck now,” said Sean, explaining things in a rather steady, if hurried, voice.

“Well I’ll go take care of that later but right now we need to get you to the Hospital,” Mega Raptor said.

“No! Raz is out there we need to go stop him we can’t...” he said, before being cut off by his companion.

“If he is back I need you ready to fight. We are going to the Hospital. That is, unless you wish to die,” said MR coldly, yet sternly.

“Fine.”

With a nod Mega Raptor began to walk out of the alley. As a precaution he picked up the metal rod he had used against the robot and walked on. Occasionally they had to stepside a few fires or piles of rubble but for the most part their journey was not delayed. Finally as they were going to turn a street to go to the Hospital Mega Raptor stopped. Sean, who was slightly behind the former walked forward to inquire the stop when he saw what had caused their stop. “It can’t be...”
***
Bladed Edge was running out of the Mall toward the fires when he saw it. He stopped and stared grimly at the corpse. Wind’s head had been nearly cut off, hanging on by only a bit of flesh. Meanwhile, there was a large dagger, a kukri sticking out of his stomach, which was now soaked with blood.

“What the Hell could have happened here?” Bladed jumped as Aries asked the question. The former turned to the latter and pointed to the body. Aries swallowed before turning away.

“That is sick,” he said nervously to Bladed.

“Yeah. I don’t know what this has to do with the sudden explosions but I know it is connected to it,” said Bladed roughly.

“Totally. God I wish I had a vat of scotch right now.”

“This is so wrong. Come one, let’s get to the Hospital and see if everyone is okay,” suggested Bladed before running off. Nodding slightly Aries ran after him.
***
“Is that Aegis?”

“Yes Mega Raptor. God, his head was taken right off,” murmured Sean as he stared at the blood stained corpse lying in front of him. “Plus his left leg and his right hand were almost cut off too.”

“Thanks for the description,” replied Mega Raptor sarcastically. He walked away from the body and picked up a bloody pistol. He checked the tip of the gun. Turning back to Sean he held it up.

“This gun was recently fired. I think it was Aegis’.”

Sean nodded and bent down to take a look at the corpse. He noticed something and pulled it out of an arm. He inspected it carefully. It was a small knife, heavily blood stained, but Sean could make out the dragon imprinted on the blade.

“This knife is Fireball’s.”

“What?” Mega Raptor dropped the gun and ran to Sean. He looked at the knife and could see the dragon imprint used by Fireball on all his weapons. In anger from all the events that had occurred that night he took the knife and threw it at a wall. It slammed into it, vibrating a bit.
***
Am I really back? Raz thought as he stumbled to his feet. He was still like he had been ten months ago. His skin was pale and cracked and he felt the same strength as before, aside from the pounding pain that filled his chest. He immediately grabbed the wound and stumbled to the ground. He was not bleeding but he was pretty close to.

Damn them. I’m going to kill them all... he thought as he ran away from the Holodeck and away from sight. He was surprised to find a bit of rubble and a trashed car nearby. Grinning he took a car axle and attached it to a hubcap, sharpening the edges until they were fatally sharp. Grinning he walked off to find some prey.
***
It had been a half an hour since the Bar had blown up and Sean and Mega Raptor had killed the robot when Fireball entered his house. He smiled when Persephone noticed him. She ran to him and gave him a hug and a kiss. Stepping back she noticed his arm wound and asked:

“Are you hurt?”

“A bit. Don’t worry though, I stopped as many as I could find,” he said and sat down in a blue chair and set his sheathed katana on a coffee table. He sighed and leaned back in the chair. She smiled and sat down on his lap. He sighed again and resting his head on chest.

“Let me take care of that wound,” she said and from the coffee table picked up a pack of bandages. Since the bullet had gone clean through his arm she did not need to remove it. She simply kissed him again and wrapped the bandages neatly around the wound.

“So they are all gone?” she asked sweetly.

“Three dead. Wind, Aegis, and Magna,” Fireball replied with a grin. Persephone giggled happily and hugged him. “Well, the person I had helping me just was killed. Can you do something else for me?”

“What do you mean someone else was helping you?” he asked suddenly fully aware.

“No! Not like that dear. It was just some android I hired. Look here is what I want you to do...”
***
It had been almost an hour since the Bar had exploded. Angel Kitty was now walking the streets to find Mega Raptor with four patrons armed with guns, for her protection. Despite the flames that filled the city she was cold. One of her visions had come true, would the other?

“Miss Neko could you slow down? I have a sore leg,” asked one of the men with her. She turned and nodded, stopping while she waited for the others. She inhaled deeply and held her breath for a moment before exhaling. She was extremely nervous.

All of a sudden her head began to hurt. What was that feeling? She collapsed to the ground in pain as the four escorts stared around in wonder. They felt amazed and good. They were in heaven while she was in Hell. As she gripped her head she heard something like the sound of metal scrapping on leather.

[Fireball]

***
Rose was holding Sarah in her arms and smiled weakly as the commotion began to calm down. She just hoped that Angel Kitty could find her husband soon. She rocked the sleeping Sarah in her arms and whispered a small nursery rhyme. She looked up as the door to the Apartments opened and Fireholder came running in.

“Oh thank God!” Otaku exclaimed as she set Jonathan down and hugged her husband roughly. He kissed her cheek and sighed.

“It was Hell getting here. The fires just keep breaking out everywhere. Plus the wreckage everywhere,” he said, his words trailing off.

Rose smiled as she watched this. She looked down at her daughter when the Apartments door opened again and Mega Raptor entered. Rose uttered a happy squeak and ran to her husband. Rose turned back to the others and asked:

“Cygnus could you go get Angel Kitty and tell her to come back?”

“Sure,” Cygnus replied before picking up a saber and running off. Rose smiled and turned back to her husband. She was slightly puzzled by the troubled look on his face. Noticed her confusion Mega Raptor tried to explain:

“When Sean and I...”

“Sean? Is he okay?” Rose asked.

“He’s fine. Look we have a problem. Raz is...”

Mega Raptor was once again cut off as a gorgeous young woman entered the lobby of the Apartments. She had long brown hair, bright blue eyes, and she was quite pretty. Everyone in the lobby was drawn to her, almost involuntarily. She smiled and walked to the middle of the lobby.

“Who are you?” asked Nowhere Man as he stared in awe.

With a large smile the girl replied, “My name is Persephone.”

At the name Persephone Mega Raptor tensed. Confused, Rose looked at her husband as he balled a fist. She asked him what was wrong but he gently pushed her back. Walking toward the young woman he sternly asked:

“Are you responsible for the destruction and deaths caused tonight?”

“What are you talking about?” the girl asked with a confused look on her face. Everyone was staring at Mega Raptor and his aggressive look. Some were nervous, as they did not wish for the beautiful young lady that held their attention to get hurt. Others were suddenly feeling threatened by the young lady, courtesy of Mega Raptor’s words.

“Earlier a android assassin attacked me. It said that you sent it to not only kill me, but to blow up the Bar,” replied the male patron, with a hint of anger in his tone. He began stepping toward her slowly and cautiously.

“Oh my! I think that was the man that I first told about her and her gift,” murmured the young lady, sounding quite shocked.

“Who is this ‘her’ you keep mentioning?”

“Why, my daughter of course. She is amazing! She hasn’t even been born yet and she is already showing signs of great Newtype powers. Oh, I am sure she is going to change this Neutral Town when she is born!” the lady exclaimed happily.

“Who is your child’s father?” asked Velesia inquisitively, pushing her way to the front of the crowd.

“Oh, you know him. He is such a sweet, loving person,” said the girl very happily.

“Who?” asked Mega Raptor harshly.

“Why, Fireball of course,” declared Persephone, blushing slightly at her own annoucement. At this Mega Raptor’s eyes widened and he rushed forward to attack Persephone.

Then he stopped. A sudden feeling of heavenly pleasure filled him, as well as all the others in the lobby and everywhere else. It did not, however, reach the Hospital where the injured Sean was recovering. Still, it affected the male patron heavily. He stopped running toward Persephone and dropped to his knees.

“My goddess,” was all he said as he stared at Persephone in wonder.
***
Angel Kitty was gripping her head in sheer pain as she collapsed to the ground. Then all of a sudden the pain stopped and she was left curled up on the ground, hands on her head. She slowly lifted her head off the ground to look around when she heard a scream. Looking up she was shocked at what she saw.

Fireball pulled his katana out of one of her escort’s hands and twirled the sword around, cutting one man across the chest, sending him to the ground, although still being alive. Grinning Fireball gripped the hilt of his blade as the escorts drew their guns to shoot their attacker.

Fireball ran toward one of the guards and raised his katana. Instead of attacking, however, he spun around behind the man as his companions unloaded a trio of bullets into where the swordsman had just been. The guard gasped as he was killed by the attack.

Grinning Fireball ran forward and slashed forward with his katana, beheading the man that he had stabbed earlier in the hands. The lifeless head flew away from the body and tumbled along the ground, lifeless eyes staring into the road as blood slowly pooled around it.

The guards cursed and fired at Fireball, who changed quickly into one of his split personalities that for some reason were individuals as well as a part of him. His hair changed to gray and grew to the length of his back. A cracked and silver halo appeared over his head as tattered gray wings grew from his back. His black clothes disappeared, replaced by a flowing white cassock. Grinning, the Fallen Angel Calance used his wings to gain speed to avoid the bullets aimed at him. He flew past Angel Kitty, who was scared at what she was witnessing. As he flew past her a stray bullet struck her in the stomach. She screamed and collapsed against the ground, withering in agony.

Calance did not stop though. In fact he continued on, not caring about his former lover. His katana flashed in the moon and firelight as he stabbed at one of the guards. The man screamed as the blade sank into his wrist. Before he could try to fight back Calance swung the blade out of his flesh and slit the man’s throat in a spray of blood.

Turning to the last guard, who was getting to his feet after a chest wound earlier inflicted by Fireball he aimed his pistol at the Fallen Angel. Calance kicked the gun away and then kicked the man to the ground. Grinning wickedly he stabbed his katana into the man’s stomach. He then turned the sword by the hilt, electing screams of pain from his victim. Tired of the annoying screams he swung the sword upward, cutting into the man’s heart.

Calance backed away from his four kills and changed back into Fireball. The teen wiped the blood from his katana and sheathed it happily. He turned toward the one female nearby and grinned. Angel Kitty moaned in pain from the wound she had received. Fireball ran to her and held her head. “Are you okay?”

“Fireball...” she tried to tell him but she was in too much pain. He nodded and began to look around for something to patch up her wound. Finding nothing he turned back to her, looming over her bleeding body. “It’s...”

“I know,” he said. Then he drew a pistol and aimed it at her. With an emotionless face he fired. Her head was blown apart in a bloody spray as his nine-millimeter round hit her in the brain. She was dead before she could scream. Fireball sighed, threw away the gun, and turned back into Calance. Spreading his wings he flew off back toward the Apartment building to find his lover.
***
The feeling of peace and happiness that she had received exhilarated Cygnus. She knew that Persephone would be right. Her daughter would bring change. A good change. She had already brought this feeling of happiness.

Cygnus turned the corner to where Angel Kitty had been when she heard screams and gunshots. She ran toward the spot and gasped. There lay four dead mean and a dead Neko. She ran to her deceased friend and closed her eyes. Meanwhile, the hand that was touching Angel Kitty’s shoulder was suddenly stained with blood. A trickle of the dead neko’s blood mixed with the blood from a cut Cygnus had received from the damaging of the Apartments. She suddenly felt a wave of grief and pain fill her. The happiness vanished and the image of the great Persephone vanished. To Cygnus she now seemed cold and a liar. Everything felt different, yet true. She screamed.

Next Time on Mobile Suit Pilot Bar: Salvage: While Persephone charms the MSPB Cygnus learns the truth behind this Messiah. Sean takes on Raz, Mega Raptor duels Fireball! All this and more on the finale of Mobile Suit Pilot Bar: Salvage!

[Rose]

*kills Persephone* ^_^

[Aegis]

...

I've been holding it in for quite some time, but now I need to say it. As a guy who also has a passion for writing, and a guy who takes character development VERY seriously, I need to say this.

What is the biggest problem plaguing this (and your last story)? The characters. I mean, when I look at the characters written, I recognise no one. Nevermind that I don't recognise myself, other than this imaginary person who happens to have my name, I don't recognise Raz, I don't recognise Sean, I don't recognise Cyg... hell, the character you created of yourself (FB/Calance) is not even you. In fact, the most glaring thing about YOUR character is how strong and ideal you made him out to be. I don't mind you glorifying yourself in some way, but this is too blatant. In fact, there is a term for such characters: Gary Stu. This rendition of yourself is FAR too good. BE when he wrote TGP, and WZA when he wrote Exodus, even though they made themselves out to be tough, they still put enough weakness AND they kept themselves in character. Heck, it is also part of the reason why they rewrote their fics in order to flesh out the writing issues, be it plot or character. Add Persephone. She is a shallow character, and having her fall in love with your FB character and having an NT child in the future, and it is just TOO over the top.

Heck, the actions I've noted are over the top. The plot I see so far is nothing but the usual angst and random violence. Don't mind big attacks and all, but the melodrama, and the reasons why your character is going on a killing spree? Really, even if the supposed future may be foretold, why, oh WHY the random acts of violence? Why is FB killing off his supposed friends? I'm sorry, but demon or not, if you're supposed to be a person who values the members, you don't simply behead people with a sword just because the future looks dim. And why did you make out most of those members so weak? Last I checked, those members are actually good RPers here. Heck, the part of Raz being back, I agree with Rose that even I got miffed with how you wrote that sentence. The way the characters act, and the way the plot unfolded, it just seems so unnatural. My advice for such plot? Put yourself in the same situation, and push for how that person would really react based on the forum personnas, and based on this thing called reality.

Take it or leave it. I haven't critiqued in a long time, and I can be pretty harsh and honest, but remember that this is a critique. You can listen to what I have to say, or you don't have to agree with it, but really, you'd be foolish not to even acknowledge it. This is not just for forum fics, this is for writing stories in general, be it original, or fanfiction. That is my 2 cents.

[Fireball]

SHUT UP!!!!!

[Nowhere Man]

Yeesh, man. Take some criticism. Criticism is actually good (constructive or not), because it points out some of the issues that people don't like about a certain someone/thing. In short, by knowing these criticisms, you can make something become better.

[Draco Starcloud]

You have to admit though constructive criticism is far better than the alternative. (Believe me, when you've got people vehemently condemning your work because they don't consider it art, then I think you can consider unconstructive criticism useful.)

[Aegis]

Baka. I've had long tirades on my work before, some sweet, some very harsh. I don't agree with everything ever said to me, but I still read them. If you cannot take critiques of any kind, especially the friendliest of them, if this is the only attitude you'll ever give, then don't even bother doing anything.

[Juan]

Aegis said:

...

I've been holding it in for quite some time, but now I need to say it. As a guy who also has a passion for writing, and a guy who takes character development VERY seriously, I need to say this.

What is the biggest problem plaguing this (and your last story)? The characters. I mean, when I look at the characters written, I recognise no one. Nevermind that I don't recognise myself, other than this imaginary person who happens to have my name, I don't recognise Raz, I don't recognise Sean, I don't recognise Cyg... hell, the character you created of yourself (FB/Calance) is not even you. In fact, the most glaring thing about YOUR character is how strong and ideal you made him out to be. I don't mind you glorifying yourself in some way, but this is too blatant. In fact, there is a term for such characters: Gary Stu. This rendition of yourself is FAR too good. BE when he wrote TGP, and WZA when he wrote Exodus, even though they made themselves out to be tough, they still put enough weakness AND they kept themselves in character. Heck, it is also part of the reason why they rewrote their fics in order to flesh out the writing issues, be it plot or character. Add Persephone. She is a shallow character, and having her fall in love with your FB character and having an NT child in the future, and it is just TOO over the top.

Heck, the actions I've noted are over the top. The plot I see so far is nothing but the usual angst and random violence. Don't mind big attacks and all, but the melodrama, and the reasons why your character is going on a killing spree? Really, even if the supposed future may be foretold, why, oh WHY the random acts of violence? Why is FB killing off his supposed friends? I'm sorry, but demon or not, if you're supposed to be a person who values the members, you don't simply behead people with a sword just because the future looks dim. And why did you make out most of those members so weak? Last I checked, those members are actually good RPers here. Heck, the part of Raz being back, I agree with Rose that even I got miffed with how you wrote that sentence. The way the characters act, and the way the plot unfolded, it just seems so unnatural. My advice for such plot? Put yourself in the same situation, and push for how that person would really react based on the forum personnas, and based on this thing called reality.

Take it or leave it. I haven't critiqued in a long time, and I can be pretty harsh and honest, but remember that this is a critique. You can listen to what I have to say, or you don't have to agree with it, but really, you'd be foolish not to even acknowledge it. This is not just for forum fics, this is for writing stories in general, be it original, or fanfiction. That is my 2 cents.

\

Bleah, whole heartedly agree. In the last one (where I actually had lines) I was like "I'd never even say or do anything remotely like that, ever."

Whenever I write, be it fictionally or roleplaying, I always get into "a characters head" and actually get into his personality by basing them on a piece of my own personality. This is hard for a work based on a group of people you know, but if you work on seeing as how those people relate to parts of your persona, its pretty easy to get a character to be more realistic. Even with villians, every person has a little dark side in them, and its easy to base a character just on that portion of you.

[Ai]

Punches himself in the face to stop himself from saying what he knows to be true.

[Juan]

Ai said:

Punches himself in the face to stop himself from saying what he knows to be true.

Zorak laughs about the said thing over AIM with Ai.

[Cygnus X-1]

I second everything Aegis says. I request that you kill my character off... it's so not me.